The Gaslight Journal Page 15

  Lilly smiled to herself. “That sounds exactly like Mr. Audley.”

  Mrs. Jackson walked over to Lilly. “Are you well? Shall I stop?”

  Lilly shook her head. “Please continue.”

  Mrs. Jackson looked uncomfortable, but complied. “I protested Mr. Audley’s involvement, assuring him I would be fine, but he would not hear of it. Not long after my moving in, he was visiting me on a regular basis when he was in town, always providing for me, whether it be food or entertainment. We were always going to the theater.”

  It was here that Lilly interrupted Mrs. Jackson. “Excuse me, but how long was it before you became romantically involved?”

  “I was just getting to that. I think it was about six months before I finally gave in.”

  “So, you mean it was Mr. Audley that approached you?”

  “Yes, dear, I am afraid so. I had already been through so much that I just did not feel as if I was ready to jump into another relationship.”

  Lilly felt her heart sink. So there goes your last excuse. She had been hoping that there was a slim chance that this woman had seduced John against his will. But now that she knew better, there was no point in dwelling on it.

  “I have one more question.”

  Mrs. Jackson said, “Please, ask.”

  It was the question that had been burning Lilly’s mind ever since she learned that there had been another woman who bore her husband’s child. It had been on her lips during the entire meeting. It had been in her head at night as she lay down to sleep, and had haunted her in her dreams every moment. She knew it was against all propriety to even pose the question, but that logical thinking was unable to override her burning desire—no, her intense need to know the answer. She had no idea if the woman would even answer the question—as was her right—but she had to at least try. So, she gathered her courage, and said, “Mrs. Jackson. I must know one last thing.”

  Mrs. Jackson waited.

  Lilly took a breath. “Please, kindly do me the honor of telling me this: did you intentionally allow yourself to become pregnant?”

  Chapter 18

  Adding Fuel To The Fire

  Adding Fuel to the Fire (Chapter Eighteen)

  “Mother! You did not ask Mrs. Jackson that question! How could you?”

  Lilly’s face reddened. In a quiet voice, she said, “I know, dearest. I have no idea what I was thinking at the time. All I could see was my own hurt and humiliation, and I was so caught up in the situation with the pain of your father’s death, that I just was not considering this woman’s feelings; merely my own.”

  Isabella said, “Well? What did she say? How did she react?”

  “That, my dear, is the interesting part.”

  “Excuse me?”

  Lilly would not be swayed. “Yes, you heard me correct. Did you allow yourself to become intentionally pregnant?”

  “Wh… why would you ask me such an improprietous thing?”

  “If it were you, would you not want to know the same thing? By your own admission, you pined for children all during your marriage. You seem to be a decent enough woman, and if you are of society, as you say, then you would know the horrible stigma that would follow one being with child and without a husband. So, kindly tell me, did you allow yourself to become pregnant in hopes of keeping Mr. Audley?”

  By now, John junior was beyond livid at having to watch his mother go through so much stressful discourse, and he moved from his chair toward Lilly. But Mrs. Jackson waived him off. She began to pace around the room while she attempted to search for the words that would cause Mrs. Audley the least amount of pain. “By your own logic, yes, I would know what stigma exists for unmarried women, so would that not be gravity enough to sway me into avoiding it? I am not even certain you are listening to the words you are speaking.”

  Lilly remained silent.

  “Very well. I was not going to take it here, but obviously you have forced my hand. Mr. Audley convinced me to have a child, in hopes that it would be a son—an heir—the heir you were unable to produce.” She waited.

  “You are lying!” Lilly hissed. “Do not assume such familiarity that put you in a position of presumption on situations you know little to nothing about.”

  “Well! Well said, Mrs. Audley. I am impressed with your command of language. But for all your metaphors and syntax, you have precious little insight into who I am or what I am about.”

  “Well, then why do you not enlighten me?”

  Mrs. Jackson took a step back. “Mrs. Audley. I took a large chance by bringing my son here to meet you, in hopes that we might be able to lessen your suffering and the severity of your situation, but all you have done since we arrived is intentionally invent quarrels. I am nearly at the end of my tether.”

  Lilly took a step toward her. “My, how very clever you are. Using deflection to steer me away from the question that still remains on the table: did you intentionally allow yourself to become pregnant?”

  “YES! YES I DID! ARE YOU HAPPY?”

  The silence was intense. No one in the party dared move or they risked breaking the strange spell that the ejaculation had cast.

  Finally, after many minutes, Lilly was the first to move—she turned toward the far window. John junior sat down in the nearest chair, nearly in shock.

  Mrs. Jackson continued to stand where she was, unable to believe what she had just proclaimed. In a soft voice, she said, “I do apologize, Mrs. Audley. It appears that this situation is more intense than any of us realized” At that, she also sat in the nearest chair and absently began nibbling on a left-over blackberry tart.

  Finally, it was John, of all people, who spoke next. “Ladies, if I may speak. Mrs. Audley, I appreciate the situation in which you find yourself, and I know it is supported by unresolved anger. But with all humility and respect, that does not give you the right to interrogate my mother as if she were a prisoner suspected of murder.”

  Lilly never turned to face him and continued her silence.

  He continued. “And mum, I know you—I have known you all my life, and not a better woman have I ever met, or will ever meet. You are kind-hearted and sensitive to others. But that does not give you the right to flaunt Mrs. Audley’s husband’s indiscretion in her face.”

  Mrs. Jackson started to protest, but John silenced her. “You would be lying if you declared that you were not just a little pleased at being able to proclaim that it was your decision to have a child, so please—for the sake of everyone here, do not insult our intelligence by trying to paint this in some other light.”

  As Lilly listened to the young man speak, she was stricken at how alike he was to her John. His voice had similar qualities, his narrative was very much like John’s, and the way he was able to cut through available hyperbole and get to the underlying heart of the matter nearly dropped her to her knees. She suddenly realized that in having the boy around, she missed John a little less, but made her feel as if a part of him was still with her, and he was—in this tall, articulate and erudite young man. How foolish she had been in trying to alienate him, all so she might feel less insecure about her own situation and pain. “It appears I owe you both an apology.”

  The two turned to face her.

  “I have just realized that I am alienating the only two people, besides my daughter, who truly understand what pain I feel at the present, and I apologize for making it more difficult for you just because I was hurting and chose to remain in that pain.”

  Without a word, Mrs. Jackson rose to her feet, walked straight to Lilly and wrapped her delicate arms around Lilly’s neck, and as they stood there, the two bonded through heavy and painful tears. Many minutes after their embrace, John also joined them, with tears in his own eyes, and the three found themselves grieving over the man who changed and injected turmoil into each one of their lives. It was quite a turning point for all three.

  The rest of the afternoon was spent in deep conversation, with periodic laughter from all. And in fact, as t
he hour grew later and later, Lilly offered the use of her guest rooms so the Jacksons would not have need of traveling after dark.

  “So after breakfast the next morning, Mrs. Jackson gave me much more than I had wanted or even thought I needed, and as they were leaving, we exchanged contact information with plans of enjoying each other’s company in the near future. Of course as they were heading out in their carriage, we were all crying tears of grief, sorrow, happiness and yes, even pity. I know that I have missed them since that very unusual meeting.”

  Isabella could not believe it. “Mother, I will say this: you continually amaze me. You were in the perfect position for justified anger and hurt, and what do you do? You turn the other cheek, show this woman compassion that she does not deserve, and you end up making new friends in the process.” Izzy sighed. “I fear I will never have your capacity for compassion.”

  Lilly smiled. “Dearest, please—no parades for me. I am, after all, a bit older and wiser than you, but that did not come automatic. I had to practice compassion; like most everyone. And I am not ashamed to admit, I have made my share of mistakes along the way. But, I have also learned some valuable lessons as well.”

  “I wished that I had been there to meet them.” Suddenly, the truth of the matter hit Isabella. “Oh, my!”

  “What is it?”

  “I have a brother! It never occurred to me before, but I have a brother.”

  “How do you feel about that?”

  Isabella hesitated. “Well, I suppose I have never been in the position to give it much regard. On the one hand, I like the thought of having someone, even though they live too far away to be truly in our lives. But, again, I must admit I relished being an only child.”

  Lilly smiled. “Well, as you have rightly pointed out, they live too far away for you to feel threatened.”

  “Mother? May I ask a silly question?”

  “Better than anyone,” said Lilly, as she laughed at her own joke.

  Izzy ignored it. “If the Jacksons helped us with sustenance, then why are we nearly broke and having the house repossessed?”

  “I feared you might ask me that. Unfortunately, I do not have an answer for you, dearest. I have the plain, unadulterated truth. And that is this: it simply was not enough to sustain us. I have made cuts where there really should not have been any, and done my best to make the money last as long as I could, but with the price of things being as high as they are, and going up every year, I just was not able to keep us from losing our home. Will you, or can you ever forgive me?”

  “Mother, it was not your fault; at least from what you are telling me. I have never seen you intentionally squander money on unnecessary things, or otherwise make bad investment decisions, so I do not believe I have the right to fault you for that.” Izzy stopped speaking and furrowed her brow.

  “What is it?”

  She remained silent.

  Lilly prodded again.

  This time, in nearly a whisper, laced with pain, Izzy said, “Why did Father not love us enough? Why did he have to betray us this way?”

  This had been one question Lilly had asked herself many times, and like Izzy, had never been able to come up with a viable answer that was enough to ease her considerable pain. “Isabella, I can say with all certainty and veracity, that I truly do not know.”

  While Izzy believed her mother, still, she had nagging suspicions that Lilly was not telling her the entire truth of the matter. “But you were married to him for many, many years. How could you not suspect? I mean, did he not take many trips in which he was gone for long periods of time?”

  Lilly started to feel uncomfortable at her daughter’s line of questioning. “Yes, Isabella, your father took many trips—that is what he did. He traveled all over for business. Philanthropy was his number one hobby. Why are you asking me this now?”

  “Because, it just does not make sense to me that someone could be married to another person for a long period of time and not suspect unusual behavior”

  “But that is just it: there was no unusual behavior He never acted as if his heart were straying to another when he was with me. He always returned when he said he would, he was always there for you when you needed him, and for that matter, he was always there for me when I needed him. He never, ever did anything to make me think that his attentions were engaged elsewhere.”

  “But, did you not suspect something was amiss when the bank account was less than it was supposed to be?”

  Lilly was getting more agitated by the minute. “Isabella, I never had access to our accounts. That was your father’s job. He always assured me that he was taking care of us, and taking care of the business of the family. He never, ever gave me reason to pause where that was concerned. Why would I have questioned your father’s motives when I had no justifiable cause to do so? And for that matter, what gives you the right to question my motives and actions, when I have made sacrifice after sacrifice for the sake of your happiness? How dare you question me after everything I have done for you!”

  Izzy was now also livid. “Excuse me, but I believe I have every right, when everything that I have ever known has flown in the face of change, deceit and mistrust. Try and put some of that famous compassion to use right now, and understand my position. I leave for college after my beloved father passes away, thinking that, aside from his passing, I will have a loving mother and wonderful home to which to return, when in actuality, I return to a darkened, saddened home that is now being repossessed by the bank, a town full of former close acquaintances who are busy trying to tell me that I am now poor, and a mother who has done nothing but scheme, lie and cheat me of my dignity, all in the name of trying to protect me. And you have the unmitigated gall to stand there, and tell me to my face that you have no part of blame in this sickening melodrama. And then you ask me who I am to question you? My, how you have changed since living as a widow. Apparently, your skills at relating to people have been in sharp decline over these recent years, for the mother I used to know would have never resorted to lying and cheating just to protect her own daughter.”

  “Well, that is where you are sadly mistaken, for I have never been in this situation prior to now, so if I could not predict how I would behave, then you certainly are no judge of that outcome.”

  Izzy stood. “So that is it, then? That is all you have to say on the matter?”

  Lilly stood her ground. “It is.”

  “Very well then,” said Izzy, as she began exiting her bedchamber. “It appears we have nothing more to say to each other.”

  “For once, we are in agreement. Where are you going?”

  “As I said at the beginning of this conversation, I do not believe I owe you any kind of explanation, and if I did, do not believe that I could produce one that would tame even your doubts. It appears my first misgivings about you and your role in the demise of our family were indeed, correct.”

  “Excuse me?”

  Izzy stopped short of her door and turned. “You heard me, mother. As soon as I found Father’s journal, I knew in my heart that you had to have played some kind of role in this entire matter, and it appears that I was correct.”

  “This is your pronouncement of me, based on the little I have shared with you? And what? All because I was not able to recognize the signs of an adulterer?”

  Izzy turned, exited and called back to her mother, “I do not wish to hear anymore. I need air. Right now I cannot stand the sight of you.”

  As the emotional torrent of the day’s storytelling hit Lilly, she suddenly slumped to the floor, unconscious, with Isabella already downstairs and out the front door.

  Chapter 19

  Up To No Good

  Up to No Good (Chapter Nineteen)

  It was long after dark when Isabella returned to the quiet house. How strange that the place is so dark and empty. I wonder where Mother is? Perhaps she is wrecking havoc in someone else’s life. But when she entered the second floor, she knew immediately that something had happ
ened, for there were servants milling around Lilly’s room, some talking in hushed tones, others in excited fashion. Some were filling water pitchers, and others were just standing idle, shaking their heads as if in pity. Izzy ran to Elizabeth and said, “Elizabeth, what is it? What has happened?”

  Elizabeth turned to face her. “Oh, Miss Audley, I am so glad you are returned!” She threw her arms around Izzy’s neck in a most improprietous fashion and the tears streamed down her face.

  Izzy could hardly pull Elizabeth from around her so as to comprehend what she had been sobbing into the side of her neck. “What is it, woman? Would you kindly stop that blithering and tell me what has happened?”

  “It is your mother. She has had another heart attack.”

  Izzy felt her body turn to stone. She was unable to move, and was having her own difficulty in breathing. This proved to be true once Elizabeth noticed her distress, and immediately led her to the nearest chair where she had a scullery maid fetch a pitcher of cold water for Izzy’s face.

  “Miss? Please. You are as white as the linen. I will fetch your mother’s doctor.”

  Izzy put down her cup of water in time to tell Elizabeth that she would be fine; she was just in shock. “W… w… will you tell me when it happened? How?”

  “I am afraid I do not know all the intimate details, but it appears as if it happened shortly after you left the house this evening for your walk. I found Mrs. Audley slumped on your floor when I went in to ask if you still needed further help in choosing your gown for the Ball. She was already passed out by that time, so we rang for Dr. Davis post-haste and he wasted absolutely no time in arriving. He is currently in there with her now.”